Mission to Magdalene

The miraculous has begun! The event last night was so exiting. The content was spot on and the magic I generated by being CS to David - delivering his coffee, giving him his 10 minute call and sitting in the wings of the massive barbican theatre. It was absolutley brilliant everyone looked beautiful including me! Dad really enjoyed it and we have had a great time just hanging out. We have wondered around Newgate street, fleet st and the strand. Had a fab pub lunch both days - bangers and mash in a 17th century pub behind the justice rooms and today in a gothic frankenstien mad scientist 19th century gothic horror pub on Ludgate hill - Lamb and apricot pie and mash. Dad an I talked about what we got from the CTME and specifically image. The smelly stuff we have about image even if we are pretending not to care. About what he could do to have a breakthrough with dressing to please himself and look fabulous.
The key things from CTME were integrity, grace, undeservidness, truth only as a contribution, have the possibilities find you, your future gives you your being in the present, the future is anything's possible. Watch out miricles here we come!
I spoke to Mum and she doesn't work on a friday so I need to get as many Amsterdam dates as I can so I can find one for Mum that works. It doesn't have to be half term, Yippee!
Oh yeah and I had my hospital appointment yesterday with the consultant about my varicose vein and they will be operating as a day patient by Christmas! no more vein! Hurrah!
Next year I want to get my teeth sorted out for the wedding, nice smile please...
Time for bed - job hunting to do tomorrow.

Wow, amazing weekend, it's just gone midnight, we've been up since 7.30 and still buzzing. After friday night of sobbing my heart out into the early hours getting how I caused me to get sacked, getting present to the impact and creating the possibility of a new love and affinity with mum. Well I think I created that this weekend. I asked her to agree to do the Landmark Forum with me during half term, wherever that is - Amsterdam or London. Now, sod's law I thought I had the right weekend. Turns out the only weekend she can do it there is no Landmark Forum in either city. I'm not going to be stopped and I create the possibility of it happening in the Christmas holidays, or her taking a day off - unlikely but I will try it anyway.
I think that just by standing for a complete breakthrough in communication with my mum I have opened up something I never thought possible. And I am a stand that the gorgeous space I created today I can recreate and have with her whenever I choose. I get that I have gained the power to enrol her into doing the forum with me and even if it can't happen this half term, it can happen and the sooner I can get the space and time the sooner it really can take shape and exist in space and time and not just as a possibility. Wooohooo! I got my mum back in my life! We have had great couple of days around Landmark surrounded by love and respect, fun and creativity, a demand for peace and a world where people get the distinction being as well as doing.
Tomorrow i get my wonderful Dad for the day, we are going to check out what is now on the site of the old Christ's Hospital - first newgate prison and now the old bailey. Out of my Dad doing the Landmark Forum we now have the possibility or sending our kids to Christ's Hospital. When Dad got complete with the bad stuff that happened while he was there he got present to a whole heap of really good stuff. Then he's accompanying me on my hosptial appointment and then we are going to Causeing the Miraculous at the Barbican where he is a participant and I am course leader support! It's gonna be wild. An excuse to dress up and cause a miricle. After what I've just caused with my mum I can create anything!
Night for now, more good stuff to come...

This is a Joan of Arcadia, Charmed type interpretation I prefer: I took this picture on the way to work to incriminate the lorry doing this every morning on my way to work. I sent it to Transport to London, who reported it to the Met. Readymix were fined and stopped from obstructing the thoroughfare. This was a week ago and I've had no problems since. Maybe my job was to get through where all the other cyclists who had also complained were stopped. Jobs done. The universe has made me move on....It's as good an interpretation as any of the onnit waffle in my last post. 

I've just been sacked! Yep. Alcina asked me to come down stairs with her and there was Sharon with a pile of papers. We sat at the same table where I'd accepted the Job and was told that was it.
At first they said I'd made one too many mistakes. This will always be debatable - I don't deny the mistakes were made but I doubt that was the real reason. Alcina's management style was always an issue for me and for the other girls in the team. They told me they had all been reduced to tears by her. I wasn't, I talked to her on the level, that is not to say I didn't apologise when I made a mistake but I didn't tolerate any attempts to intimidate me. Not so much confrontationally but my whole demeanor is confident leader.
Every choice or decision I made, I consciously went through someone else superior in the company, sometimes her sometimes downstairs but always clearing it first. It seems that from what Alcina said and complained to me about was that I was she felt undermined. Now, I know that's her stuff, her insecurity but I'm not the victim here, she is. She is stressed and unhappy and chose to remove me. I made her feel worse because I reminded her that she felt powerless in the company. That won't go away even when I do.
I'm upset, feel rejected and angry with myself for not being the obedient doormat that I've worked so hard not to be. I'm upset that I'm so good at putting my foot in it, even when I'd hate to bottle it up and have trained myself to be honest but not make someone wrong, just tell it how it is. I'm confused and concerned that when I've chosen to be diplomatic, it's not worked, my disdain has shone through. I would make an appalling poker player. I'm concerned that I'm being too outspoken, I'm confused about what this means. Should I be looking for a job where that's a must, like a trader? or what? I don't know, do I need a lesson in brown nosing?
I've trained myself to be excellent with clients and I know that the won't find any fault there, I placed every single job and completed everysingle project professionally and completely. I just wasn't right there. I was a leader in my being, a team leader and I did play as a team. When announcements were made I didn't feel any need to defy any of it. I am clear that I wasn't defiant, just enthusiastic, thorough and conscientious.
When I was expected to deal with a complaint I did so as requested and got the requested result. I got criticised for the wording when the wording was cleared by my superior. When Sarah started stirring and provoking a response I didn't tolerate it. I said, you make the rules I followed them, what's your problem. She still wasn't happy.
I'm actually relieved, they are a mixed up bunch of wind up merchants who like gossip. I'm an asshole, just the wrong asshole to work there.
Bum.

This weekend we walked all the way from the flat into Covent Garden and Soho, hung out looking at shoes (I had to show Toby the lovely pair I saw last week). When we were walking from Covent Garden towards Soho we bumped (almost literally) into David Hasselhof!!! and a crowd of screaming women.
Toby didn't know who he was and I had a good laugh. David Hasselhof!
Anyway, I thought it funny enough to report.
We spent a small pittance on lots of yummy stuff in China town. I'm enjoying a Japanese miso soup and watching the first episode of Dead wood right now.
I've had a hideously busy day, there was loads to catch up on cos I was ill yesterday. I stayed until gone 6pm to wrap things up. I got to Landmark and so it went on. I think I'm on to something. I've got to get the integrity of the assisting program back in. I'm only just beginning to understand it and the consequences of it being so out.
I have to get the whole centre on my side and create a team of people to help me do it. I swing from being absolutley terrified to inspired. I have the whole department at my fingertips, the onlything is its going out of existence fast. Fun eh?

Fame at last, Dr Jones... 

M & D came over weekend before last on Sunday to pick up a couple of nice coffee tables we found out the back of our flats next to the bins. We went to spittlefields for Pie and Mash and had a rather good day. All worries about us moving to Ely and any expectations on either side have been talked about and we are all complete for now.

Weekend before last I got it into my head that I wanted to find some t-bar vintage style shoes. I found these, I didn't buy them (no money yer see) but I had fun trying them on. I did find a pair in nine west which, if I loose any weight and I have enough money left the end of october, I can buy. Something to look forward to.  

It's been an eventful couple of days, so I thought I'd post... it's been aaages!

So... yesterday went to one of my two clients in the afternoon as usual (it's all confidential so I can't say who - anyone would think I worked for MI5 or something). Anyway, Allie (my boss) came along so we could work on finishing our documentation. We'd just sat down when we were called into a meeting - they've decided to shelve Elgar! 10 month's work... Anyway, we're not being kicked out, but we have to wrap everything up neatly just in case they revive the project later. We think that'll take about 2 weeks.

It's not actually a shock and it works quite well because I've started at a new client today - just down the road. As usual, I don't have a desk or username yet, but in the mean time I've got my own office and a plush chair! Won't last ;)

The morning was awful. I'm there to fix the final problems in an Elgar implementation. After intoductions, I was left on my own and I really didn't know what I was doing or how to approach the work. Felt awful - frustrated, angry and upset.

At lunchtime I got a *little* bit of support from my boss - it was actually good advice and help, but boy does she rub me up the wrong way! I felt even worse afterwards.

Grabbed a Pret sandwich because they're yummy and I wanted a treat, then sat in the graveyard opposite Lloyds and applied a bit of Landmark thinking. I realised that I was scared of getting it wrong and looking stupid. Basic stuff really but it was really robbing me of my liveliness and intelligence and making it a horrible, scary day. Having seen the impact, I thought about how else I could approach the day, and I realised that I could simply be confident! I grabbed a coke and headed back to the office. And you know what? I solved a couple of the simple problems and tomorrow I'll move onto the bigger problems :)

However, the eventfullness doesn't end there!

I'd got a voice message from an agency during the day, so I called them back after work... I've got an interview with a utility company in Cambridge next Wednesday!

It sounds very different from what I've done before: implementing a Customer Management System on Oracle and Solaris plus user support and developing MIS applications. Could be good though!

Ah, I think I hear Christine coming up the stairs... yep, time for a welcome home hug :)

I'm watching blood on the turntables, about the sex pistols. I ought to tape it and have a bath. I will write this and do just that. Work was good today. It was raining really hard this morning and my waterproofs did magnificently. I wasn't feeling too good, 2nd day of my period but I worked hard, got on well with Alcina and had a good day, it went quite quickly, the sun came out and it became a typical September day.
Toby and me were up talking until well into the small hours. Toby had got a bit churned up with wanting to please his parents and at the same time keep true to himself. He admitted that he'd not really found out what they think about us moving to Ely. I think they are worried that we will be come reliant on them, especially when we have kids, at least that's the impression I get and Toby does too. I'm not sure which reaction would have upset Toby more, that they were really glad - then he'd feel suffocated or ambivalence. I would like them to be round the corner to a certain extent so that they can become a real part of our kid’s lives, not to look after them but to be family. They will be away alot anyway but when they are in town, to be able to make the most of their grandchildren I'm sure they'd enjoy. I've never felt so strongly about family and both Toby and my family are fragmented throughout the country, and in my case on the continent.
I want to be able to go to Holland easily to see Mum, and keep that side of my family close and I see it as a bonus if we are close to Ellen and Dan too. One thing I distinguished with Toby last night was that close family will always provoke a reaction but it’s worth getting off it and loving for all your worth, I’m not sure why it just is. I remember how important my grandparents and aunties and uncles were when I was a kid. As an adult I don't have much in common with them, or my cousins but as a kid, it was different. I want our kids to know who there family are and be part of a family. I think it's a fundamental part of life. I want to be at home as much as possible and not be a working mum, my mum went back to work when I was a baby and, no harm done necessarily but I want to have maybe two or three kids and run a house hold, then as they go to school, manage a small business like a cafe and be around for them in proximity, managing a business but have staff to put in the hours so I'm at home when I need to be. It may be convenient to be a primary school teacher but it doesn't actually appeal very much to me. Both my parents have been that, my mum still is, I've never wanted to follow in their footsteps, even if they do get long holidays. Maybe I'll feel different in a few years but I think I'd prefer to run a business. I what? Lots of things. I think life will deal us what it deals us and it's up to Toby and I to make it work. Toby's my best friend as well as my partner, lover and fiancé. I want to be part of making his dreams come true and making his life fulfilled as well as mine, mine cannot be fulfilled without fulfilling his on the way.

with my lovely bike. 

over the hills, right at the top of the heath, there's a view of London in the distance, the haze makes it hard to make out. The quality on the mobile camera didn't really do it justice. Still the Heath is beautiful. 

A charming picture of one of the many ponds. 

We cycled there, had a couple of swims, read alot, had a snooze, woke myself up snoring and cycled on to various lovely spots where we sat and talked, planned some plans, slept a little more and at one spot over the other side of the heath, ate an enormous icecream. 

yummy 

the less said about this, the better... 

The water is flipping cold, which takes a bit of getting used to but it's a glorius way to spend a sunny saturday. 

Toby took this with my wonderful new phone, not bad eh? 

This morning, very early (well 9.30 is early for sunday) we went swimming in the mixed pool at hampstead heath.  

it's the first weekend in september and the weather is glorius. Tomorrow, all being well we are off to the ponds up on Hampstead Heath with Kari.
My new Mobile finally arrived yesterday, it's wonderful. I know it's a phone for god's sake but it's a toy, it's free and it's fun to play with. This one has a camera, a radio and loads of other useless features I'm sure I'll find out about next time I'm stuck somewhere with nothing to do but play with my mobile. I'm feeling better at work now. Alcina's been away all week and I felt able to get into things without fear of pissing her off or being pissed off by her. She is brash and loud and very southern european. There's nothing wrong with her it's just different but that difference does stress us out. Karolina said they have all, in their own individual way come to terms with how to be and how to work with her. Karolina is so grown up about it, she is a really great, wise person and she has been through it with Alcina and is now out the other side. She can relate to her and see her for who she is and isn't. Alcina does get results and generates business for us as well as manages it.
I got my granny bike back from Bikefix yesterday, new gear shifter, pedals and a good service. It goes like a dream! Tomorrow it's going up to Hampstead with me.